Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
