idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I looked at my own cervix.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
