Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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