Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I still have a little drunk in my system
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
