thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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