At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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