Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
