Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
