I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
