LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
