I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
