he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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