i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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