I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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