You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
