Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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