I think I died a long time ago.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
