We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
