Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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