I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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