it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
