Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
foreskin is a definite game changer
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
