I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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