White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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