So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
