just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
