theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
