apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
