i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
