I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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