good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
