Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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