I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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