like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
