I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I cut my penus on the lid.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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