After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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