I just cut my nipple shaving
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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