The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
