I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
