if i can run in heels then i can drive
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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