my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
honey bunches of taint.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
