True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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