I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
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