It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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