did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
