Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
