I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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