Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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