somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
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