I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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