good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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