apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
tell me about the eggs
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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