This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
