worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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